


A Good Offer

by Critique_Masochist



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Demons, Explicit Language, Explosions, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-26 17:41:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21752359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Critique_Masochist/pseuds/Critique_Masochist
Summary: Sir Pentious is offered two deals, one with Heaven and one with Alastor. Very obviously, he picks the latter.Heavily Invader Zim inspired. :3Idea and plot by smthelj, I merely wrote it.
Comments: 15
Kudos: 52





	A Good Offer

**Author's Note:**

  * For [smthelj](https://archiveofourown.org/users/smthelj/gifts).



The turf wars were vicious and disgusting, demons biting and chewing and hacking into one another while the overlords killed them in masses or just stood by and watched. They all restrained themselves when they noticed the shadow of the gigantic airship that was looming over them, its canons readied to begin manslaughter at a massive scale.

The airship puffed out steam and a massive ray-gun was revealed. The sinners below watched in horror as the machine charged and fired one single magenta death-ray before everything dissolved into fire and strawberry explosions.

The smoke cleared and the demons coughed and moaned and looked at each other, realizing that the laser had missed all of them completely and since the airship had already flown over them, they could now return to murdering each other.

In the cockpit of the flying steampunk machinery, a tyrannical snake cackled maniacally.

“NOTHING CAN STOP ME THIS TIME! I HAVE COME WELL PREPARED AND I SHALL NOT STOP UNTIL EVERY SINGLE HELLSPAWN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!” he roared.

A small egg beside him clapped politely. “That was a really swell shot, Boss!”

Sir Pentious barked out a laughter at the flattery, incentivising the other eggs to join in.

“If I were to be down there at this moment, I’d be most frightened!” Egg number 95 said.

“I bet they’re going to be bowing down any minute now, Boss!” Egg 26 pointed out.

“If they don’t, I shall just MAKE THEM!” the snake hissed, looking out of the enormous windshield. It was hard to aim at people so small but he had brilliant aim, according to the eggs that were pressing their faces into the glass. “Look at them! They are just BEGGING to be taken out! Running around on the ground like ANTS! Let’s show them what it TAKESSS to take control over an area!”

The airship shook with the force of the ray-gun being fired once more and the eggs gently helped each other stand their ground. They braced themselves as the ray-gun charged to fire once more but then faltered, seemingly malfunctioning.

A mighty, angry hiss echoed through the airship. “WHO DID THAT?! Who is SABOTAJING MY TAKEOVER?!!”

“Now, I can’t picture any one of us doing something like that.” The reasonable number 69 stated, shaking his head.

“I think I would rather explode into little pink bits than stand vaguely in your way of total world domination!” number 13 said, stating out loud what clearly everyone was thinking.

“The ray-gun must have overheated! How awful. And in the middle of a turf war, what lousy timing.”

“WELL?!” Sir Pentious hissed. The Eggs stared at him in a hopeful but rather confused way. “DON’T JUST STAND THERE, GO AND FIX IT!!”

With haste, the eggs stormed into the mechanical chamber, fanning the overheated device with the aid of their fancy top hats.

“Phew!” number 22 said in a jolly tone. “It’s hard work but I think it’s going to make Boss most joyful!”

“It’s not hard work then.” 13 reasoned

“Oh, good sir, that’s a very fine point you just made there!” 22 laughed, patting his fellow egg on the back.

Back in the cockpit Sir Pentious was tapping his claws into the piloting board, waiting for his stupid gun of mass-destruction to cool down. So much for using steam-power! What good did it ever do him to go the old-fashioned route?? Well, other than making him look like the true gentleman that he was! and installing dread into anyone who laid eyes upon his huffing and puffing flying airship, of course.

NOTHING!

HOW WAS HE SUPPOSED TO TAKE OVER ALL OF HELL WITH SUB-PAR MACHINERY?! He should update, should try something different. Something more hip and trendy to appeal to a younger demographic. They would still regard him as cool, surely.

“You can fire it again Boss!”

The previous thought was quickly tossed out of the window as Pentious’s hair flared up and his fingers jogged across the many buttons at his disposal. He slowly started building up to manic laughter.

“You’ve all underestimated me, HUH?!” the ray-gun shot a fiery beam into a nearby statue, blowing it to bits and sending shivers of pure delight down the viper’s spine. “LOOK AT YOU NOW YOU PATHETIC SACKS OF FLESH AND BONES TRYING TO STAY ALIVE!” You shall NOT! There will be NOBODY LEFT once I’M DONE!”

“But Mr. Bossman-“ number 69 whispered, looking worried. “If there is nobody left then who will you rule?”

“HAH! Having nobody left to rule might frighten some BUT NOT ME! I already have an ARMY of loyal minions behind me! NOTHING can scare ME away from destruction!”

Number 69 wiped a single tear away. “Inspirational.”

“I liked it when he called us loyal.” 26 said, feeling rather merry. “I’m grateful to be a part of something so nice.”

Pentious slammed his fist into the big red button ladled ‘FORBEAR’, triggering the ship to slow down and come to a halt, 100 meters above where Alastor stood. For size, a blue whale is 25 meters so that’s pretty high up basically.

“We met once again ALASTOR!” Sir Pentious yelled out of the window of his ship like an angry neighbour. Alastor just looked up, waiting for the snake to realize that he couldn’t hear him over the sound of agonized screaming. The airship sank lower.

“WE MEET ONCE AGAIN-“

“Ah, it’s you again!” Alastor said cheerily. “I remember you!”

“You do??” Sir Pentious exclaimed, a bit too desperately.

“Indeed! You were that fellow on the picture show! Although… now that I think about it, wasn’t that a rapper? And he had a skateboard. Curious. Nevermind, I must have confused you for someone!”

“NO, THAT WAS ME, YOU DIPSHIT! And I am ALSO the guy whose fricking AIRSHIP you destroyed!”

“Oh, now I remember!” Alastor laughed at the memory. “It all happened so quickly that I had already forgotten.”

“Oh, now you’ve REALLY DONE IT! Do you think your FUNNY?! Well, you’re NOT!” Sir Pentious danced over his keyboard, readying a massive attack. “Nobody fucking likes you Alastor! We all just tolerate your ill music tastes because every other radio host is too afraid of you to run a channel!”

Alastor’s smile grew curious and the viper’s fingers slowed down. He focused his attention on the Radio Demon.

“OH, YOU HEARD ME RIGHT! I’m calling you out on your bullshit! Your poor taste probably stems from the fact that your head is full of grass you fucking herbivore! Go back to your lawn and stop messing in adult matters, Bambi!”

Alastor laughed once more, applauding fondly. “Well done! Those are some cherry-picked insults right there! I admire your confidence, my venomous fellow!”

“Thank you!” Sir Pentious said, mostly at the flattery and partially at the correct usage of ‘venomous’. “Now excuse me as I END YOU!”

“I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.” Alastor said, snapping his fingers and calling in a favour from something very old and eldritch. Forgotten but vengeful, it’s many arms reached out from under. Slow but steady. Sir Pentious huffed in frustration.

“WHY NOT??”

Alastor shrugged. “I’m on royal orders to protect the Happy Hotel.” he paused and Sir Pentious took the chance to actually look around. “It’s very important to me.”

They were on the east side of the Pentagram, quite far outside of the snake’s turf but one couldn’t just take over Hell without exploring a bit. He was, indeed, aiming his weapons at a demon who was in very close proximity to the Happy Hotel.

Pentious had heard of the hotel. He couldn’t imagine why it would be important to Alastor. Still, the Radio Demons previous flattery convinced him to at the very least think about it for a moment.

Sir Pentious considered himself many things; a genius, behind yet ahead of his time, Hell’s one and true ruler, misunderstood and also evil! He was a demon of many talents and traits but rude wasn’t one of them.

To him, being rude was like breaking somebodies favourite toy or flushing their old family picture down the toilet. It was childish and only entertained the most sadistic and idiotic of Hell’s residents.

He had no doubt in his mind that Alastor was one of those residents but He Himself certainly was mot! No, he was better than that! A man of class, noble and cunning and very much polite!

And, well, if the hotel meant so much to Alastor, who was such a worthy opponent anyhow, then maybe it would be simply rude to just up and turn it to dust!

“I have considered your words!” he hissed. “And decided against destroying the hotel!”

The tentacle arms that had long since grabbed onto the airship stopped, although Pentious hadn’t noticed any of that.

“…oh?”

“On ONE CONDITION!” the angry neighbour exclaimed.

“Oh?”

“You shall remember my name ALWAYS!”

How absurd yet almost romantic, Alastor smiled at the sheer absurdity of it. He placed a hand on his chest. “Yes, of course. Serpent, was it?

“IT’S SIIIR PENTIOUS TO YOU!!” the viper hissed.

Alastor, clearly holding back laughed, simply nodded in agreement.

Who the Hell was this guy and why had Alastor never heard of him?? Such an ultimate Failure acting like he was at the peak of villainy?? What the Radio Demon wouldn’t give to be on that airship for a couple of hours, laughing himself to death at the sheer incompetence!

Pentious meanwhile seemed happy with the bargain. “What a Fool!” he said to number 13, who felt very flattered to be acknowledged by his Boss. “He has just WILLINGLY AGREED to remember the name of the man WHO WILL SLAUGHTER HIM ONE DAY!”

The egg nodded and smiled.

He was just about to continue his boasting when he noticed the three glowing orbs of light that had manifested at some point, behind Alastor.

Joyously, the viper assumed they were bombs and dreamily looked outside at the red demon, watching the disaster that was about to unfold out of the comfort of his gigantic, safe, steel aircraft and before he even knew it, Sir Pentious found himself being blasted out of it by the sheer force of its Explosion.

The steam burnt the edge of his tail and his ears picked up the sound of his crash, as well as the clang of odd parts flying off into the ground, having entirely missed to hear the explosion that had just occurred.

He got his face out of the mud and glared at the shining beings looking down at him. It actually took his eyes a couple of moments to adjust to their glow but when they did, he finally realized what exactly he was gazing upon.

Three angels, two armed to the teeth and the middle one completely unarmed and… mask-less… their eyes a shimmering blue.

Pentious was confused more than anything.

“You bastards destroyed my airship!” he realised.

 _“You won’t be needing that anymore.”_ the unmasked angel remarked.

“WHY THE HELL NOT?!”

 _“We have come here to offer you a one in a rare gift.”_ The left angel said, calmly. _“A great opportunity, if you will.”_

 _“In our Lords eyes, you are a bit of a grey zone.”_ The right angel said, thoughtfully.

 _“Clearly bad intentions but an overall wealth of good deeds done by sheer accident.”_ The unmasked angel said.

Briefly, the three looked at each other. Their endless unison on full display.

 _“Incompetence.”_ The thoughtful angel said.

 _“Different but same.”_ The unmasked angel replied.

_“After witnessing how you went as far as sparing this wonderful hotel just because this one… person that you hate or whatever… told you so, it’s very admirable.”_

_“Yes, honestly, we have no idea why you even did it but hey, it’s good and we’re not going to question it.” They said calmly and in complete monotone._

_“So, Mr. Pentious. Our offer is that you join us and in return we promise you endless heavenly bliss.”_

The snake looked at the three, one after the other before replying with a simple- “…what??”

 _“You come with us. We take you to heaven.”_ The calm angel explained sarcastically. _“Ciana here gets a promotion and you get to live out endless happiness. Good deal, right?”_

The unmaske- Ciana punched the calm angel in the face.

 _“Excuse their crudeness.”_ She said. _“They mean to inform you that your good actions down here in Hell have not been ignored. The fact that you have taken so many small and weaker demons under your wing, how you have refrained from hurting others and spread chaos in an attempt to overthrow the evil leadership of Satan, it is all very relatable to me.” she nodded in understanding. “I also want a promotion.”_

_“Will you join us?”_

Pentious raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “Why would I?”

_“Ciana, did he not hear the part about endless heavenly joy?”_

_“He must have. We are speaking loud enough and we aren’t a terrible distance from him.”_

_“Indeed. Maybe his lack of ears is the culprit.”_

“I heard you loud and clear!” the viper hissed. “It’s just a very poor deal! Do you know why?”

_“Oh, yes, we are very curious.”_

_“Please enlighten us, you are very funny to listen to.”_

_“Yes, it’s probably the only reason why your good deeds have been noticed at all.”_

Sir Pentious snobbishly straightened his suit and steadied his top hat. “I appreciate your enthusiasm for my line of work, HOWEVER! That’s all it is; work. There is no hidden meaning! No good intention!”

The angels looked at each other and then looked back at the snake. Clearly, he wasn’t getting through to them.

“I AM EVIL!” he yelled, finally losing his composure. “I DO EVIL THINGS BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT I AM EVIL!” he insisted.

_“But the eggs-“_

“MINIONS TO DO MY BIDDING!”

_“And overthrowing Satan?”_

“POWER!”

_“But you didn’t-“_

“I DIDN’T BLOW IT UP BECAUSE I ADMIRE ALASTOR!” Sir Pentious roared and immediately regretted it as he heard Alastor’s composure finally giving in as well.

He didn’t take his eyes off the angels to look at whatever INSULTING expression Alastor was wearing, but from the sound of it… it was… well, it sounded like a very genuine laughter. Like the sounds were just flowing out rather than being forced in order to sound domineering. Which was strange since everything about Alastor was-

 _“Well, this is awkward.”_ One of the angels said.

In a flash, all three of them disappeared.

Sir Pentious kept staring, if only to reassure himself that it had all actually happened. Then he turned around and hissed wildly at the still-laughing Alastor.

“WHERE WERE WE?!” he hissed, trying to return the mood to something serious and NOT embarrassing!

“You were in the middle of refusing to go to heaven.” Alastor said, voice creaking, wiping away a few stray tears. Maybe he was only finding this to be so humorous because he was sponsoring the hotel, Pentious thought. Maybe it was actually funny if one happened to be crazy enough to enjoy being surrounded by redemption seeking sinners.

“I was. Wouldn’t you have refused the offer as well?”

Alastor hummed and considered it. “I suppose you’re right!” His smile grew at the realization. “Great minds think alike!” he said, getting closer until the two of them were at a… a friendly distance.“Truce, then?”

“TRUCE??”

Yes! Let me invite you to a drink!” Alastor offered. He scanned the horrified expression of his companion. “Coffee?” still nothing.“Tea?”

Sir Pentious huffed defensively. “Why would I EVER willingly spend time with the likes of YOU?!”

Alastor opened his mouth to remind the viper that he, in fact, was the Radio Demon. An Overlord of Hell. A man of very high status and the serpents best bet to get anywhere close to Satan in his lifetime-

But clearly that wasn’t how the _Brilliant SIR PENTIOUS_ did things!

“You could poison my coffee.” he said, instead.

Sir Pentious beamed, his top hat smiling an even brighter and even more sinister smile than he was.

“Now THAT’S a good offer!”

**Author's Note:**

> It's 4 in the morning. If I made any mistakes please tell me, I care XD  
> Also, thoughts and critique are very welcome. I warmly invite you all to share them in the comment section :3


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